Dad gives 29-year-old son $15,000 towards wedding, younger sister protests because he couldn't pay her student loans: 'We cut her off financially'

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Ally Perry • Writer and Editor
Jan 19, 2025 6:00 PM EST

Fairness is a concept that can be difficult to stick to as a parent with multiple children. Some moms and dads see no problem in being obvious with playing favorites, which can often turn nasty in the long run, and others try their best to treat all their kids equally and still don't succeed. The fact is, with all the stresses that come from parenting it can be difficult to make sure that every child is getting the exact same treatment. It isn't always possible.

Nonetheless, many parents hope that when they grow up, their kids feel like they are treated with a decent level of equality. This is especially true when it comes to the thorny topic of money. Even if they are relatively independent, many families choose to help out adult children financially for various reasons and it is very easy for the whole thing to become a competition.

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  • This is the dilemma that one dad found himself in after he offered to pay for his 29-year-old son's wedding. He also has a daughter, who is a couple of years younger, and took issue with this when she found out that he had given the couple $15,000. Her reasoning behind this was that her parents were not able to fund the entirety of her prestigious college education, but they had been able to pay for all of her brother's tuition at a community college. The dad wanted to know if he had done something wrong. 

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    Cheezburger Image 10456233472
    via Getty Images (Unsplash+)

    The image does not depict the actual subjects of the story. Subjects are models.

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    AITA for giving my son $15,000 for his wedding knowing that it would not go down well with my daughter?

    My [50M] son [29M] is getting ready to marry his fiancée of three years. I know her and I very much approve of their marriage. She's awesome and I couldn't be prouder of my son. I told him that I'd help pay for his wedding and his mother and I managed to put together $15,000 which should help them have a pretty decent wedding. My son announced his wedding, and eventually my daughter [27F] found out from my son's fiancé. She called me pretty irate since money has always been a sore spot between u
    via ResolutionSimple8327
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    Around 10 years ago, my son went off for college and my daughter went shortly after. My son went to a local community college and later became a welder. My daughter was always more academically minded than him and got accepted to a pretty great school in New York for music. Problem is, my wife and I made too much money for her to get many grants or scholarships. I paid for my son's community college in full, but my daughter's college fund would basically only cover one year of tuition at the nic
    via ResolutionSimple8327
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    I told her that while I am so proud of her for getting into that school, I don't agree with her going to that school since we can't afford it. She didn't accept any alternative such as going to a local school or going to a cheaper school in New York. She said that she was going irregardless, so I relented. I paid the deposit and she went. I paid the bills until her fund ($50,000) was done. She then started taking out loans for school even though I advised her against it, and she tried having me
    via ResolutionSimple8327
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    She graduated with about $150,000 in student loans. She worked for an orchestra for a while, but didn't make a lot so she became a teacher in New York but continued to struggle financially due to the burden of her loans. She frequently asked for money which I stopped helping with two years ago . I once offered to have her move back home rent free, but she doesn't want to move from New York to rural Florida.
    via ResolutionSimple8327
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    We cut her off financially. This has led to afrosty relationship with my daughter as she blames us for her woes (not taking loans for her and not helping more with her college costs). She even had a fiancé break things off when he found out her loan burden which she blamed us for. It all culminated with her calling in tears, blaming us for her financial condition, calling us terrible parents, and that since we obviously care for our son more, he'll be the only one we have contact with. We tried
    via ResolutionSimple8327
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    The dad specified that he had still been generous with his daughter.

    Rredhead926 INFO: How much money have you given your son, in total? How much money have you given your daughter, in total? Is $15,000 worth losing your relationship with your daughter, probably forever?
    via Rredhead926
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    ResolutionSimple8327 OP 50K+ 15K for wedding to Son 50K + about an average of 8-12K per year to my daughter for about 4 years to my daughter when she was struggling with balancing her loans with her bills. I don't think it's worth it, but I don't think it would be fair to my son to not give him a wedding just because his sister threatened to cut us off. I'm trying my best to be as fair as I can but I feel like I'm in a hard spot.
    via ResolutionSimple8327
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    While opinions were mixed, most people felt he hadn't done anything wrong.

    -alebrije- Add this to the main post. You've given her more than him. Does she know the amounts each have received? Have you laid out for her? ETA: NTA
    via -alebrije-
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    Stubborn Amoeba With this new info, definitely NTA. Daughter has had much more money than your son so she has nothing to be angry with you about except her unrealistic expectations that you could afford to send her to a school that was out of your price range. Hopefully this post will get the most comments and people will see your extra info.
    via Stubborn_Amoeba
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    LighthouseonSaturn ΝΤΑ, Unless she was insanely talented in music and had enough interest to get scholarships regardless of your pay scale, then she was stupid to go to such an expensive school and take out $150k in student loans. I say this as a former Art student. The name of the school doesn't matter, what matters is your actual talent. Also having lived in New York before, I can tell you she shouldn't be living there is she can't afford it. And working as a teacher with 150k student loans, s
    via LighthouseonSaturn
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    FaithlessnessFlat514 Your story isn't about who's the AH. In my family I'm the pragmatic oldest child who needs less help and gets none, so your daughter isn't the one I instinctively gravitate to. However, I can appreciate that it would be very hurtful to find out that you have ceased giving her financial assistance when she's struggling but splashed out 15k for a frivolous expense for your son. I can also fully appreciate the reasons you have for that decision. Internet points aren't going to
    via FaithlessnessFlat14
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    PikaV2002 she's struggling but splashed out 15m for a frivolous expense for your son 1. A wedding isn't inherently frivolous even though dysfunctional Reddit posters seem to think so. 2. Is the family supposed to halt their spending for years on end till the daughter covers her debt for her own frivolous choice? Why is the daughter's "frivolous choice" more important than the son's? 3. She's received almost 100k in funding, when does that stop?
    via PikaV2002
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    AppleOfEve THANK YOU OP, you're NTA. The previous comment seems to imply that if he doesn't just give her all she wants, he has no right to help his son pay for his wedding and has to accept losing her. This is completely unreasonable. She made a decision, they tried to explain why it would be a bad one to make, and now she's upset that her decision has the consequences she was told it could have... and she's punishing the parents for not jumping to her rescue. Her loans have left her 150k in de
    via AppleOfEve_
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    AnnaF721 I was very open with both of my kids how much money they were getting for college. I set the amount at 125K which was about 4 years of state college. My daughter wanted to go to a very prestigious private school. The reality was that it meant she would have to take out about 200K extra in student loans. I never wanted to crush her dreams but that's the reality of the situation. She ended up deciding to go to a state school. I also said that if they got a full ride or major scholarship I
    via AnnaF721
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    unpopular-dave I see no reason why your daughter needs to know that you're giving your son a very generous gift. NTA
    via unpopular-dave
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    ResolutionSimple8327 OP She asked my son's fiancée how they're paying for it since they're friends and she said I'm paying for it. I'm not really secretive about most things, so I didn't tell anyone to hide it for her.
    via ResolutionSimple8327
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    mizz_quoted ΝΤΑ If your daughter is a public school teacher, or works in an educational environment she should be eligible for PSLF - public service loan forgiveness. If she's not in default, and her loans are not private but federal, she should apply to see if they can be cleared. I don't know her situation, but if she meets the criteria they will wipe them. She needs to be her own advocate during the process, no one is going to go out of their way to help her unless she applies.
    via mizz_quoted
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    Fabulous_Research_21 Is the insane cost of college education in the US the actual AH here?
    via Fabulous_Research_21
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    Left Policy_8238 I get the sense that all these hard feelings aren't just about the money. You talk about your two children in very different ways; your son positively and your daughter more negative, and perhaps that's how you treat them, too. I think the issue is about believing in your kids, supporting them in their goals regardless of whether you personally agree with them, and loving them for who they are and not who you want them to be.
    via Left_Policy_8238
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    OrizaRayne This is not about money, I don't think. I think it looks like it's about money but it's actually about support. She feels like you didn't support her musical dream, and you did support his welder and marriage dream. I'm more curious as to how many of her performances you attended and promoted and how much you helped to launch and support her musical career, which you did not value and let her know you didn't value. She's upset you didn't support her dream and is using money as a stand
    via OrizaRayne
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    ResolutionSimple8327 OP I went to her performances as often as I could work permitting and if I wasn't there her mother was. I will be honest in that I was never that into music and the arts, but I did my best to encourage her. I went to the music store with her to purchase her first violin and drove her to rehearsals and concerts and I often watched her practice at home. I am very proud of her and she's a talented musician, it's just been a lot on me and her mother to support her as long as we
    via ResolutionSimple8327
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    ScaryButterscotch474 NTA but bahahahaha way to twist the knife... we'd make a similar contribution should she get married She even had a fiancé break things off when he found out her loan burden
    via ScaryButterscotch474

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